What i meant ...

So i did think quite a bit about Your comments this morning to me regarding obsession. Though i was a bit out of it to explain myself earlier, i do have the proper response now :)

So You, my Mistress, i wouldn't define as an obsession. At any point. One of the synonyms of obsession is infatuation, which is typically something that burns bright for a minute and them fades. Infatuations are snapshots of time. 

So to liken You to am obsession, would be to degrade my feelings for You or what You are. 

Putting Mistress in par with an obsession would mean She is something that is only based on a heightened few moments of intense emotion, that She will fade from my thoughts all too quickly. 

So no, Mistress. You are not my obsession. You are so much more. 

Working out

So i become quite obsessive about a few things. Working out is one of them. It's either an all of nothing thing with me. i do it, and do it completely, or i do not. i am not sure why. Not everything in life is this way with me. i can tell You that i start with a very specific process. This is how it goes:

1.  Mental imagery: i want to know what i am going for. Is it Jason statham's back? Christian Bale's arms? Ryan Reynold's v? i may not get there. That isn't the point.  The point is something to strive for. 

2.  Routine research: now i have been lifting for awhile. Understand the principles pretty well. But again, not the point. The point is to hype myself into the process. Get my head bought into the punishment i will bring my body. Also, it helps to get the routine plugged into my lifting app for tracking purposes. 

3. Supplement restock: a visit to gnc after doing inventory. Simple reason. Just to stock up and be ready. 

4. Doing it: i may need to start out slow and that is fine. Don't need to injure myself. But in a few weeks, when the veins are pumping and the muscles are growing a bit - muscle memory is a great thing - they tend to grow quickly at first - it becomes a great feeling. 

It's good to have an obsession once in awhile :)

Homosexuality

Though i know for a complete fact that i am straight as an arrow, very comfortable with my sexuality and all of that, the admission that certain homoerotic and completely homosexual images do stimulate me a little bit is, well, a reality. 

A picture of an attractive man, kneeling in front of another, cock in his mouth, happily enjoying it, hand on the back of his head ... Yes ... i can see myself in that position. Mistress' eyes looking on as she directs the scene. Her legs spread slightly as She enjoys the scene. Looking over and catching Her eyes as my head slides up and down a very hard cock. 

Imagining Her circling around ... Playful slaps and pushes - "take it all" and pushing my head deeper around the cock until i gag. And She laughs. 

Making the other man get on his hands and knees and telling me to fuck him ... Watching Her eyes light up as my cock slowly slides in his ass. She stands on front of him and pushes his head down so She can just watch me ... Taking a man for the first time. She tells me to stroke his cock as I fuck. Make him hard. Slap his ass. 

So i am very comfortable with my sexuality ... But knowing this turns on Mistress ... Makes me want it. 

OCD and me

So here is my response to OCD and how i may have a touch of it myself. 

Obsession: the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire; a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces it's way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness. 

Compulsion: a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will. 

In addition to the things mentioned in reply to Mistress' blog, i do have a tendency towards this kind of behavior. It presents itself in small ways for the most part.  But it always presents itself with a knowledge that there is no in between. It is either done or it isn't. (Is there such a thing as controllable OCD - because that would be closer to the truth). Here is an example:

When i decide to get in shape, lose weight, gain muscle ... i do it. It becomes a single minded determination. My life begins to revolve around it to a certain extent. In between does not work for me. It gets me noplace. 

When it becomes an obsession, it works. 

Now, and here is where i am sure i am not clinically an OCD individual ... If i put it down, it is down. No need to think about it, desire it, worry about it. In fact, in some cases, i prefer to go the opposite direction in full stride. Why? Actually ... Not a clue. Variance? Variety? Dunno. 

i pursue wholely. i do fully. i explore completely. With an obsessive pursuit. 

So is this OCD?  Not sure. Maybe a version. Would i change it? Not at all. 

Yesterday

How can i sum it up appropriately?  Not a single word would do it justice. Not a line of them strong together. i will try my best, knowing it will fall well short. 

When i came out if the hotel with the room key and saw You in Your van, my heart completely skipped a beat. Knowing You were there and so close to being with You. 

Waiting in the room for You to come up was torture. It felt like hours though only a few minutes. You may have noticed my odd nervousness in the first kiss. No idea where that came from. Why? After being with You already. Why this time was i nervous again. 

Regained composure and Mistress, You took control as You always do. The feel of Your hands on my shoulders and back. Slowly and lovingly caressing my spine. Your body so close to mine. 

Then ... Strip You instructed. And sit on the chair. Watching You slowly cut the strips of material. Deciding which to use. Continually pushing my hands in place as they naturally rose up to caress You. Tying me down. 

Not tight enough that i couldn't move. But that was so much better. Because it required my total submission. Breaking free could be down easily. To not, it would require willing myself over. Which i did. And even though i could see through the flimsy blindfold, i gave myself over on another way. i decided to keep my eyes closed shut tight. To be Yours. And feel every sensation. Which was, in an inadequate word, amazing. Wondering what you were tracing my body with - lipstick? A roller? Your teasing my every inch. Little licks and nibbles here and there. Waiting to feel Your breath so i could push forward and get a taste of Your lips. The feel of the lubricant on my hard cock as You let it drizzle down me. The familiar sound of latex gloves being snapped on. Wondering in a panicked moment if it would hurt when You slid Your finger in me. Relaxing into it. Knowing if i relaxed too much, it would make it harder not to cum. 

Then to the bed. Teasing me more. Hoping for the feel of Your wetness and You wrapped around me. 

When You entered me the second time, it was even better then the first. i so wish i could have contained myself for longer. The orgasm, heightened by Your instruction not to cum, knowing You were right over top of me, enjoying Your teasing and it's effect on me ... That orgasm was the best i have ever had. Truly. As evidenced by my very hard ejaculation. 

Then Your taste. As You positioned Yourself over top of me. Straddled my face. Moments of breathlessness as i was lost in Your womanhood. The feel of Your body shuddering in orgasm. Wanting more. 

The moments of enjoying time with You in my arms, chatting and laughing, in betweeen You sliding on top of me and feeling Your wetness and Your body and the shudders of orgasms ... Heavenly. Divine. Moments of bliss. 

And yes, the spooning. :) there were moments i could have fallen asleep with You in my arms. Would that i could and maybe someday ...

How do i sum up such an amazing afternoon?  i can't. i don't want to. i would rather hold on to the memory and the beauty of it all. Something to daydream about and drift asleep to. Something to wake up to and cherish. 

Thank You my Goddess. For such a beautiful day. Thank You my Love. 

Sleep tonight

Will be amazing. Drifting off to sleep with thoughts of a few amazing hours with my Mistress. Though i haven't had time to truly reflect on it ... i plan to as i lay my head down. Recalling each moment from the excitement of seeing her in the parking lot, to the final kisses goodbye. 

i know this is short tonight, but today was ... Beyond amazing. The best yet time with You. 

Tomorrow morning, after meditation, i want to share with You through blog my total thoughts after processing it all tonight. 

i love You my Mistress. 

True villiany

This has been something that has been an interest of mine for many years. Hollywood has taken it in and explorer it to certain extents over the years, but in the desire to make characters and stories that sell and have a mass audience appeal, the bad guy always ends up with a "reason". Something that grounds him and makes him real or relatable. That is, if the villian is the main character.  If not, they usually camp him out. Make him larger then life and cartoonish and sometimes garish. 

The man with no name. That's a pretty good example of the relatable bad guy main character. Clint was not a good guy in that movie. He was selfish. Didn't care about other people. Only concern was where the next score would come from. And yet ... His moralistic impulses overtook him. He couldn't just leave the townspeople ... Even as he tried to figure out to make things work in his favor. Which he did as well. 

And then there is Francis on house of cards. The exact opposite. There is no moral center to his universe. He honestly does not care for anything or anyone but himself. There are moments that make you feel that he does have a gooey moral center, but the reality is quickly revealed. It doesn't exist. 

Where does the reality fall?  I think more times then not on the side of Francis. Bad guys are bad guys. For a reason.   They don't have a gooey moral center waiting to come out. They may have a wife and a family and they "love" others. But ultimately. What they do is for their own benefit. Decisions that make, if they benefit others, is only happy coincidence. Because it benefitted them first. 

The portrayal i like the best?  While enjoying both (the flawed hero always an interesting character) i relish in the reality. Why?  Because it is painful. Hard to watch. Draws you in. Because it is real. 

...

i wish i wasn't like i am sometimes. That i wouldn't fall back on instinct of me. The pattern of who i tend to be. The problem is, i don't often have this part if me tested. So instead of stopping and thinking and resolving to change ... i get stuck on the imprinted pattern. 

When facing mental/emotional strain, i just don't handle it well. i know. i retreat. Want nothing to do with it. The moment. i shut down. Flight not fight. i shut off. Everyone. Which isn't fair. Not to everyone else. It isn't. But i just do. 

And getting lost in a project is typically where i go.  Something where i don't have to think and can just do. 

i am sorry Mistress. It is truly a dick thing to do. Rude. Obnoxious. You don't deserve it. i am sorry i introduced You to that. i am sorry that i purposefully neglected You in my flight. 

i ... Am sorry for being so flawed. 

...

i wish i wasn't like i am sometimes. That i wouldn't fall back on instinct of me. The pattern of who i tend to be. The problem is, i don't often have this part if me tested. So instead of stopping and thinking and resolving to change ... i get stuck on the imprinted pattern. 

When facing mental/emotional strain, i just don't handle it well. i know. i retreat. Want nothing to do with it. The moment. i shut down. Flight not fight. i shut off. Everyone. Which isn't fair. Not to everyone else. It isn't. But i just do. 

And getting lost in a project is typically where i go.  Something where i don't have to think and can just do. 

i am sorry Mistress. It is truly a dick thing to do. Rude. Obnoxious. You don't deserve it. i am sorry i introduced You to that. i am sorry that i purposefully neglected You in my flight. 

i ... Am sorry for being so flawed. 

Her's

Smile and the teeth and the way the lips curl just at the end. More on one side then the other. She has a little Elvis in Her. 

Hair and the way the bangs She hates constantly fall in Her face and She brushes them aside. Or shakes them back when hovering over top of me. 

Nose and the way She scrunched it from time to time. The stud in Her nose slides up. Her eyes squint just a bit. 

Eyes ... Yes, God the eyes. Not to be cliche. Because it is. But Her eyes. How does that become a color? Almost iridescent.  And the shape. Could She be more feral? Cat like?

Cheeks. Can i say much more. Cut high. Chiseled out. Like art. 

But the things behind the face. The inner workings of Her. The stare off into the distance. The moments of wonder in a random smile and where it came from. The pain that is hidden deep inside. The well. 

She makes me want to hold Her and love Her and at the same ... Bend my knee, look at Her feet and submit. And be nothing but Her's. my complete identity. 

She pulled me in. She accepted me. She claimed me. 

She stamped Her's on my forehead. 

And every moment with Her, She tightens the collar. Pulls it closer. Makes me, more and more ...

Her's. 

my turn to rant

So here is my turn to rant about something dear to my heart. Mistress had Malificent. i have Batman. 

For me, Batman is the quintessential fantasy. 

When i discovered comic books, Batman was my first. It was Frank Miller. And it was the Dark Night. And the art was beautiful. Like nothing i had seen. Rough and angular and harsh. And the story line reintroduced Batman as a psychotic vigilante. Just a titch away from the anarchy of the Joker. And the reality we see is that Batman and Joker are just the same. And they need each other. 

So my rant ... i can appreciate many forms of Batman over the years. Adam West, super gay and campy. Michael Keaton with his less then broad shoulders but uncanny ability to capture the psychosis of Bruce Wayne to match the psychosis of Jack Nicholson. But Christian Bale's intensity rang the most true for me. The psychosis bubbling under the surface. The brute force and driven need to right wrongs. 

And as a side note, no one can ever, ever touch Heath Ledger's Joker. Ever. EVER. He was the Joker. Period. End if story. 

But to my rant ... The new Batman , the older Batman, that faces off against Superman (a story line i never got into, btw) is Ben Affleck. i die a little inside each time i say that. 

It isn't like when Keaton donned the cape. It was odd to think of. But nothing on film had been established yet. The only comparison was Burt Ward and pow zoom zing. And he pulled it off. But it was taken to the next level by Bale. 

And Affleck sucks. Not one movie of his have i liked - well as a leading man. A horrible actor. 

No intensity. Nothing boiling under the surface. No depth. Which means one thing ... This incarnation of Batman will be the worst. Flat. Much like Superman and his apple pie goodness that i never got into. No amount of cgi, dark broodiness brought to the script, advertising or a flat cheated Wonder Woman will make him better. 

The only redeeming thing i can say is ... Thank God for reboots!

What a treat

As i drove out to the middle if nowhere today, i was absolutely giddy to see my Mistress. Knowing it was just a lark. Feeling like a teenager. Making the long trip just to have a few moments with Her ... my Love. It was only a few minutes, maybe 10, but being in Her arms, feeling Her embrace, Her sweet and passionate kisses .... The way She grabs hold of my face and feels my cheeks, my lips ... Like nothing ever before. The look in Her eyes. Her playful bites and pull aways. Her sighs. The grind of Her body against mine. It felt like time stood still just being there with Her. And no cares in the world. 

i wanted Her to kidnap me and take me away. Claim me as Hers and that would be that. If only ...

But i thank You so much Mistress. i know the drive was mine, but the pleasure of You granting those few moments of eternity was ... Heaven. 

i love You my Goddess. 

Marx brothers vs three stooges

So this was just a very random thought with an explanation behind it of something greater ... 

Always hated the three stooges. i mean they were funny enough. But it was the same bit over and over again. Ending with someone bring slapped and a woo-woo-woo. My brother on the other hand loved them. Would watch them all the time. 

Marx Brothers. That's where it was at for me. It was dumb jokes, usually with an obscure reference. It was wildness and crazy. Anarchy and pandemonium. Ending in a song. Nothing made sense. Harpo with his whistle. Groucho full of ribald and sexual innuendo. Chico the con man. Zeppo the handsome. 

It was deadpan and stupid and perfect. Duck Soup. What a movie. If never seen, i highly recommend. 

The point. Give me humor that i can think  about. Even if it is stupid.  And i will laugh all day. 

Creativity

This is a subject i truly struggle with. Just in a ... Chicken egg, evolution creation, ying yang type if way. Where does it come from?  Are you born with it?  Can you make it happen if you don't have it?  Can you learn it? i mean i know you can build on what you have. But can a truly uncreative person become creative?

The source of my curiousty: Cameron Gnass. A jock. A dick. i went to a good portion of the public school system with him. He opened a marketing company about ten years ago in lansing. Became pretty successful. Not that any of that matters.  But it shocked me. This jock/dick. That he had a creative bone in his body. Where did it come from? And i have seen his work. He has game. 

But the point. Creativity. 

Sometimes i dial in a project. i know it isn't that great, but i sacrifice "wow" for time or production.  Or laziness.  In those moments, i wonder how creative i really am. i know that i am not the most creative person or greatest designer. So to my theory - i think it can be learned to an extent. But i think the truly amazing things ... The designs and ideas that make you sit back and say wow. That you have to ponder and seep into your head and take over your brain. Like the first time i saw and appreciated apples 1984 Super Bowl ad. Or nike's logo. Or any one of the Nashville hatch show print posters. Or learning about qr codes and one-to-one printing and marketing or NFC.  Now i am off on marketing geek stuff that turns me on. Sorry. 

The truly amazing ideas and how they are implemented are ... Probably done by better, stronger people then me. People that have "it". Even if "it" is one great idea. One perfect moment. That changes the world.  Or their portion of the world.

That, to me, is ... Creativity. Revealed. 

The impossible

So a little bit about me for a moment - egads, let's not make that a habit ;). i will share a pretty defining aspect of my personality. i am very much the type of person that relishes in accomplishing the impossible. Never one that  has been a fan of being told no, that can't be done, you can't do it, that's impossible ... i turn my head and silently scoff (or look them in the eye and say yes it can - mostly just silently scoff because i like to prove others wrong without making a big deal of it).  

Not sure where that part of my personality came from. Neither of my parents are like that. No big influencer in my life - mentor,etc - has been like that. i am not so sure that i was always that way, in fact i know i wasn't. 

i learned that most things are possible. That given enough time and energy and will power and brain power, most things can be figured out. 

Which is why my clients grew to love me. Never say no, just do it no matter the cost. Always my motto. And then: never take on a client that can't appreciate the sacrifice and doesn't repay you for it (after figuring out that not everyone cares if you accomplish "the impossible" for them and can't tell the difference between that and boiling an egg). 

What is the point of this rant?  It actually is rooted in something (specifically telling a client that something couldn't be done - it could, i just would have to make a sacrifice i was not willing to make to do it). But the larger point is that this go to attitude is part of me. Not just part, it has become me. On many levels, business, personal, sexual. It all has tied in together. I believe i told Mistress that i am very alpha with my work. Multitasker to the nth degree. Get it done at all costs. This is where it comes from. Which is also, oddly enough, a desire to please. Desire for recognition like a puppy fetching a stick. So do i do it for me or others?  A bit of both i think. A bit of both. 

Down in it

i don't know why but this is going to be my subject material tonight.  In 91, a friend, who turned out to be gay and avoided me like the plague (still to this day and a very good friend), introduced me to nine inch nails after going to a depeche mode concert my parents didn't allow me to go to. They opened up. As did nitzerebb - another day. 

And pretty hate machine became a staple to my burgeoning youthful angst. And down in it became an anthem of my 15 year old revolt.

This song had been pulsing through my head the past week and i don't know why. The lyrics rolling through like a mantra.

Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky and I was feeling this feeling you wouldn't believe sometimes I don't believe it myself and I decided I was never coming down 

And I remember this dumb story that hit the news about how a guy found this video camera in his yard in the country. He popped the video in his VCR (yep, those) and called the police because he was so freaked out by what he saw. 

Just then a tiny little for caught my eye it was just about too small to see and I decided I was never coming down. 

It was footage from the video Reznor was shooting for his song.  It was a camera attached to a balloon filming some disturbing scenes of a person running, being chased. Black and white. Desperate. 

I was up above it. 

The camera got away. 

Now I'm down in it.

And i was getting my introduction to David Lynch at the time. And film. And the power to move a person. 

I was up above it.

And my soon to be gay friend was introducing me to music i never heard before. And we were vying for the same girl and friends with another. 

Now I'm down in it.  Shut up.  

So what what does it matter now I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground and everything I never liked about you is kind of seeping into me. I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out. I guess the jokes on me. 

There was a surety of myself for many years. A black and white idealistic view of the world. That i held on to. That defined me. That made me whole. i struggle against that feeling to this day.

I used to be so big and strong.

I used to know my right from wrong.

I used to never be afraid.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.

Now just this hole it's open wide.

I used to want it all.

I used to be somebody.

I'll cross my heart and hope to die.

But the needle's already in my eye.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.

And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

Do You ever feel on the edge Mistress?  The edge of just pissing on everything. Saying goodbye to everything and everyone. Starting over.

Would a new hole be created? Would it be built on solid ground? Would it even matter. 

Rain rain go away

Come again some other day. 

i don't know the answer. i do know that song has been haunting me. 

My favorite poem. So appropriate

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, Your eyes have their silence:

in Your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

Your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

You open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if Your wish be to close me, i and

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of Your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the colour of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

i do not know what it is about You that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of Your eyes is deeper than all roses

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

The hidden and subtle allusions to ownership, the poet by his love ... A poem long in my heart for so many years that has been rolling through my head the past few days. Over and over. Like a song. Your song Mistress Manda. Please enjoy it as much as i do.  

Ok ... The kink ...

So i will spend a little time on the kink aspect of my relationship with Mistress today. Though we've discussed it a bit already over a long evening of sexy texting (which is still ingrained in my head btw). 

While most of my thoughts about Mistress lately have been this consuming ... Love. To please Her. Fully. There have, of course, been moments of thoughts on Her kinkier side. How that would feel. What it would look like. Though i have had glimpses, I am very desirous of seeing it in action. Experiencing it. Her. 

i fantasize in those moments about Her with an artificial cock dangling from Her legs (though i will say that i am very, very tight down there these days and am not quite sure how much i could take). But the idea of it, being used that way by Mistress. In complete control. There is something so deliciously .... Kinky about it. 

Or being ridden, my face, smothered by Her delicious pussy as She uses my mouth and chin and nose and face to get off. In abandon. 

Or, and thank You Mistress for this one, forced bisexuality to please Mistress. As She watches. Directs. Coos. Plays with Herself. Knowing that the two submissive men performing all sorts of acts on one another is making Mistress very wet. And very pleased. Her own live gay porn. 

And sooo many other things, many of which i have not even imagined yet. Ugh ... 

i am just so honored and happy to know that i have my Beautiful Mistress and so much time ahead with Her to explore all these things and more as our relationship  deepens and develops. 

Is it fate or numbers?

So i spent a good portion of today thinking about this. How do two compatible personalities find each other?  Now let me say from the get go, i have a very hard time believing in the concept of fate.  So here is my scientific take ...

I have reached out to a number of dominant women over the years. Some bothered to get back in touch, most did not. Maybe it was just a numbers game, statistically, I would find Her given enough time. 

But here is the odd thing to throw in the mix ... i didn't really know what i was looking for when contacting Mistress Manda.  She was attractive, attached and seemed to enjoy some of the same kinks that i did. Good start. But as i learned more about Her, as She helped me to understand my real needs, it became clear that i wasnt looking for what i thought i was. It was so much more. And this Beautiful Goddess responded back to me. And took the time to get to know me. And seems the absolute perfect fit for me. 

Maybe it was numbers ... Maybe. Maybe it was something more. Should i bother questioning it though? i guess at the end of the day, no. She is here and that is all that matters. 

The aha moment

So it occurred to me today, with a comment Mistress made, how very different this relationship is from what i originally set out looking for and how different from anything i had experienced in the past in the D/s world. Before i go on, i must say, the different is so much better. 

When showing Mistress a picture of my new adornment for Her penis, i asked if it pleased Her. Proud of this kinky act and piece of jewelry buried in my most sensitive of places. Mistress responded, you please Me My sweet. There was an odd aha moment there ... i wanted that, needed that response. Was i indulging in a kinky act? Yes. Do i look forward to more with my Mistress? Absolutely. But it wasn't the act that made it pleasurable. It was the fact that i was pleasing Mistress. Yes i am used to and desire the act of pleasing. But this time, with Mistress Manda is so very different. Why?  Because i truly love Her. Adore Her.  Would do anything for Her nod of approval, kinky or not. 

That was the aha moment. The other D/s relationships were primarily about the kink. The control and the domination. But when i find myself desiring to curl up and watch movies with Mistress, to be in a Her presence and hear Her laugh and see Her eyes glimmer ... Well ... It surely is something more. 

i LOVE my Mistress. The kink, if/when/as it comes ... Is somehow just a tangent to the bigger picture. Thank you Mistress for showing me so much more in such a short period of time knowing You. You have my heart, which is hard to get. 

Mistress the movie whore

So this may seem a weird post, but let's see where it goes. Mistress has referred to herself as a movie whore a few times. And that Mistress is a bit if a geek ... Swoon. If only She were around when i was a teen. i say this knowing there were probably girls somewhat similar to Mistress when i was younger (though most assuredly not as magnificent) but i was too blind/shy to see. i digress. 

Movie whore: throughout my life, movies have been an escape. 7 brides for 7 brothers. Showboat. Clash of the titans. Et. Star Wars. Star Trek. They just kept rolling forward through the years as VHS became mainstream and they could be recorded with free movie weeks through Cinemax or hbo (we didn't have a ton of money growing up). And then renting my first movie through the library system ... Eraserhead by David Lynch. And watching it over and over by myself because everyone in my family hated it (if Mistress hasn't seen it, i highly recommend, even though it is a little hard to watch and appreciate).

And woody Allen came along. And i was in love. And i dove deep. What inspired him? Why? What was an homage? And Truffaut and Fellini and Bergman. Omg. 

And time moves forward and my first Paul Thomas Anderson film - magnolia. Which i cried at for the beauty. And skipped forward and back to gobble up everything that happened and was filmed and met Coppola, Kubrick(my god Kubrick), Scorsese, Sergio leone, Polanski ... And the list of greats goes on and includes so many current directors and writers that move me and make me feel and capture me. Hold me. Make me live in a world not mine for an hour or so. 

If Mistress hasn't noticed, i have an affinity for writer/directors. The movies ring clearer to me. Are more sound. 

i love being lost. i love being moved. i love good film. 

Now that's not to say that i don't appreciate dumb blockbusters and light fare. i do. But film, not movies, film ... 

When Mistress says She is a movie whore, i say, purr .... Put me on the street and trick me out. 

The penis plug ... Of course :)

So of course this deserves a post today. Absolute truth: i was terrified. When i  met Mistress for our "session", the relief that coursed through my veins was palpable that She didn't ask me to pull it out. Part of me was hoping She had forgotten.  Not for any other reason than a "holy f*ck, that is going on there" ...

And knowing She was requiring it be done today ... i feigned excitement ... But i was truly not looking forward to it. Though of course i would do anything for Mistress. 

Trying to be cool for Mistress, i just dove right in. Here are the instructions, yes Mistress. Ton of lube, yes Mistress. Verbalize what you are feeling, of course Mistress. Scared as hell the whole time. Would i push it in wrong? Too hard? Would i have some crazy thing inside me the no one else has and cut myself open bleeding profusely for weeks - all these crazy, crazy thoughts. 

To my surprise as it slid slowly inside me, I thought, really, this easy. Even as it hit more difficult spots, I thought, but still - pretty easy. But my god, when it was three quarters in i was freaking inside. There was a moment when i almost begged Mistress to stop and try another time. But You were so kind and patient. i couldn't let you down or meet your patience with crying and running away like a toddler. 

When it finally slid into place i was so happy and proud that i did it. But more pleased that i was able to follow Mistress' instructions successfully. 

Seeing Her face as i stroked myself under Her command ... i will never forget that look. It was amazing. i so wish i could have cum for her. 

Though even as i write this now, there is some moderate soreness, i am looking forward to putting it in again tomorrow for You. Because i know it pleases You. And i so love pleasing You my Mistress. Muah. 

Panties

So i did want to come back to the oddly exhilarating request of Mistress to wear my wife's panties the other day. Never before had i even considered doing something like that. Nor contemplated that it might actually be a turn on. 

Something so very dirty about it. It makes me wonder what other things are out there that i wouldn't have thought would be enjoyable. 

The fact that it was done for Mistress and that She maybe got some enjoyment out of it, makes it even more enjoyable for me. What other dirty things turn on Mistress, i wonder.  What will She ask me to do, request?  What will i gladly do for Her, even if trepidatiously?

Oh Mistress ... Please expand my mind and body to the limits. 

Mistress the hospital and nerves

Though this wasn't going to be the original focus of today's blog (i was going to talk about panties ...:), it felt more appropriate. 

Your sweet hates hospitals as well. The smell, the air. There is something about it, the sterility of it, that reminds me of death. It is a haunting smell. 

Mistress having to stay overnight, though surely it is something that the doctors will get under control, doesn't sit well with me. i don't like the idea of Mistress lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed in an uncomfortable article of clothing (how they have not made any advancements in the area of hospital gowns these many years i just don't know). 

There is an element of the unknown, always, with hospitals.

i avoid hospitals and doctors. Always have. 

So yes, even though Mistress promises that everything will be fine and i am sure it will, it makes the pit of my stomach queasy, unsettled, restless. 

I do hope Mistress gets some well needed rest, a clean bill of health in the morning and sent on Her way back home. To enjoy Her long weekend with family, to be away from the smell of the hospital, to be home. 

What makes me happy

Though this is sadly late (and thank you for Your patience Mistress these past few days) i did want to reply to Mistress' blog about what makes me happy. 

So yes a few dumb things, most having to do with the sense of smell :) the smell of spring, always makes me smile. my cats fur as they cuddle up and taking a big, deep breath in. Completing a project, especially a long fought and hard one that took a lot to get to the end. The sense of satisfaction. 

The smell of my mother's pasta sauce that's been cooking for three days and there is nothing like it. A beer on a hot day. A drunken cigarette when chased by a sip of wine.

Words. Words that dance and spin and stand up and make you notice them. 

The perfect song for the perfect moment or memory. That takes you someplace or becomes a theme.

A golf ball popping off a club in a perfect swing with a Ping. 

The rumble of a motorcycle underneath and the wind in the face while traveling a country road. 

A dumb joke.

A well earned chortle. 

Mistress' smile. 

Her twinkle. 

Her eyes. 

The sound She makes when orgasm comes ... Which is a new favorite thing. And the look on Her face. 

Those are just a few. i am sure i missed many. But thank you for allowing me to reflect on that Mistress. It made me smile :)

Today

Still trying to fully comprehend and assimilate today. It was nothing like what i thought it would be and so much more. The passion Mistress had. The kisses. The embraces. The cuddling. I was so very nervous when Mistress arrived. Trembling even. But the nervousness quickly faded. Melted away in Mistress' arms. 

Laughing and chatting in between ... Very unexpected. It felt like a lazy Sunday afternoon more then a session. Which wasn't bad. Not at all. 

And Mistress' taste. Her scent. Her wetness. Oh god. Heaven. Truly. Amazing. 

The only bad thing about today is that it went by too fast. That there wasn't more time. 

Thank you Mistress. For a truly amazing day. For allowing me to share it with You. For picking me. 

Earliest sexual memories

When i was a young boy, my first introduction to anything sexual was national geographic magazine. i remember the images vividly. African women, sagging breasts, large hoop earrings, simple but ornate rings all the way up their necks. And my father saying - it's just national geographic, to my mother. 

When I was 10, the first real "wow, now that's a woman and that means something" moment was seeing a picture of Sophia Loren - whom I still have the hots for even at her prime older age - in a bathing suit. Learning, years later, that she bore a striking resemblance to my mother as a young woman ... But i digress. 

Seeing her, in voluptuous, real woman beauty ... I realized how amazing the female body was. The first time cum came out of my young manhood was while staring at a picture of Sophia. i thought i had broken myself - ha. 

my fantasies shortly thereafter became very defined ... And will probably come as little surprise to Mistress ... Even at a very young age, I always knew ... Sexually, i was submissive. my fantasies were wrapped around being taken, kidnapped even, by a dominant, older woman or women. Being locked away. Kept. Held. Owned. For their pleasure. Used as they saw fit. 

While I no doubt fantasized about other things, these were the fantasies that stuck in my young head. 

Now, 30 some years later, though having experienced the pleasure of submission, i feel like, for the first time, i am truly experiencing it for the first time. Being owned. Belonging to. And it is much more then pre-pubescent fantasized thoughts. It is real. And powerful. And fulfilling. 

Thank you Mistress. For making my fantasy better in reality. 

Oh just imagining

Thinking about Mistress in Her headphones and hands wrapped around a controller, trash talking Her opponents as She throttles bodies while playing Call of Duty. Imagining Her eyes get wild and dilated. The sweat beading on Her brow. One by one mowing down Her virtual enemies. 

Picturing Mistress at a video store picking out Her favorite movies. Does She linger?  Does She go right to Her choice?  Does She inquire of the employees for suggestions?  Does She smile when something catches Her attention?

Considering Mistress while She watches sports. Totally seeing Her get into Her favorite team. Shouting at the tv.  Jumping from the chair when something great happens. Whoop whooping and hollering with high fives and little dances. (At least this is how i see Her). 

So much to imagine and picture about Mistress in little moments like these. So much time to get to know and learn. All about these and more. So happy to belong to Her. 

Short one

such a long day on the road today.  Tons of work when i got home. But Mistress is still a constant in thought and heart. Kubrick and Tarantino. Mistress never ceases to amaze Her sweet.  She continues to blossom unceasingly. Like a never ending bloom in the eyes of Her sweet. 

Discipline, instruction and reminders

Today, Mistress reminded Her sweet of something regarding discipline, instruction and reminders. 

The Greek word used for discipline in the Bible is one that means training, education, instruction. It differs from most people's understanding of the word in that the emphasis is far from punishment, rather instruction and guidance. 

Mistress have Her darlings and Her sweet a gentle but stern reminder today. The purpose of the reminder: guidance and training. Education. Discipline. Her blog went further into Her thoughts on the matter of discipline and punishment and their differences. 

Mistress is truly guiding Her darlings, Her sweet. She wants to help them to grow with Her direction. When She asks for certain things, the purpose is not to please Herself (well, not completely) but rather to educate and train Her slave(s).  

That distinction was known prior, but something dialed in a little more clearly today with Her sweet. 

Thank you Mistress for Your discipline.  Your sweet appreciates it greatly.  

Collar arrived

Today, a little package arrived in the mail. i honestly didn't know what it was. But as i tore it open and saw a small canvas pouch bag, the thought came - could it be?  Is it?  And sure enough as i opened the pouch, a teal, leather strap unveiled itself. And as i pulled, my heart began to race a bit. It was my collar. 

What a beautiful piece of jewelry Mistress picked out for Her sweet. Long leather straps that wind around the wrist. Bound together. So appropriate. The color is perfect as well. A decadent teal green. And a simple stainless steel symbol of my relationship with Mistress - the infinity symbol. 

Wrapping the collar around my wrist was an amazing moment. Though Mistress was "there", the only thing better would have been if She would have placed it on my wrist for me. But nonetheless ... When wrapped, it felt right. Set. 

Though i've worn collars in the past as part of sessions, this is my first collar ... First symbol of my submission and love. i couldn't imagine a better Mistress to share this path with. Thank you Mistress. For everything. 

Sunny days and spring

So this is just a little different entry today. While working on the lawn, i was reminded how much i enjoy spring. The warmer weather does good for the soul - everyone's, not just mine. It's like a rebirth from sweaters and turtlenecks and thermal underwear into tshirts and shorts. 

And spring feels like possibility. It always has. That more can happen. That something awaits.  To be discovered. 

It's a smell. In the air. Like sensory memory. Cut grass. Tree buds opening. Sun on skin. 

It's a feel. Like the old touch of your favorite shirt. Wind on skin. Hands over grass. Hot steering wheel. 

It's life. 

Your sweet loves spring Mistress. And sharing it for the first time with You. 

Mistress' touch

Today i saved my blog for after the planned session with Mistress. Though "life happened", this afternoon was still a very pleasurable one. Why? 

Mistress' eyes, Her touch, Her presence. 

Just two short hours - not enough time for a session, but plenty enough time to be lost in Her laugh, Her smile, Her eyes. To feel Her hand on my leg and grazing my fingers. To listen to Her talk and, with attentive ears, learn more about Her. To be drawn deeper into my Mistress. Be folded up inside of Her. Like a tiny caterpillar in its chrysalis. Like home until birth. 

Leaving Mistress was so difficult. But the time with Her was priceless. Unforgettable. 

Feeling Her against me ... Ugh ... No words for that. Pasting my eyes shut as She kissed me (which is not normal by the way - usually my eyes are open - a way to gauge and keep control of the moment). Knowing She was directing the moment. i was there for Her. 

An amazing afternoon indeed. Not what was planned - that will come. But in any ways, much better. 

Thank you my Mistress. 

Pins and needles

The first session with Mistress is tomorrow. And though we've met once and chatted tons,  Her sweet would be lying if he didn't admit to a bit of nervousness. Not nervousness in regards to what Mistress will do, will be like in those moments where there is privacy and She can assert Her dominance fully in person (well maybe a titch), but will Her sweet be fully pleasing, will Mistress enjoy Her gift in this setting. 

Anticipation, arousal, knowing what it feels like in person to be at Her feet. What She has swimming around that exquisite mind of Hers ...

This slave tries to put it out of his head, but the thought just creeps back on and lingers. he finds himself stopping what he's doing at times, unknowingly, until he snaps out of his daydreams and ponderings in Mistress. 

Until tomorrow my Goddess. 

submissive vs slave - Her sweet' take

Though I never would have thought of myself identifying as a slave, Mistress' post the other day helped guide Her sweet to the correct identification - under Mistress that is. i have always thought of myself as a submissive in this lifestyle. Rules to follow, someone to obey ... But it always more or less ended when the session was over. i never thought I would want or need anything more than that. Then Mistress Manda, the Goddess. 

Under Her short guidance so far, She has helped me to understand the true value of serving someone like Her as a slave. Anything less with Her seems like it would be fairly inadequate and unfulfilling. By giving up myself to Her as Her rightful property, Her sweet has found a level of, excitement yes (i would be lying if i didn't admit that), but more importantly a level of freedom and satisfaction like i've never known in this world. And it's only just beginning. 

i have so much to learn, so much guidance to be given, so much love to get and be given to my Mistress. There are times i have to pinch myself to make sure that it is real. But it is. And more then I could have imagined or known. 

Thank you my Goddess, my Mistress. For Your direction, encouragement and guidance. i have so much to learn from You. 

Life happens

Mistress uses this phrase a bit and Her sweet was considering it this morning during meditation - life happens. It is true, life does happen. Knowing there will be times Her sweet can't be in touch with Mistress as much as he'd like and the fact that a domino of "life" for the past few days has hampered that, doesn't make it any easier. 

Why does life get in the way of things you need?  It seems on face value to be an oxymoron. Isn't life necessities and not really wants?  Shouldn't necessities always trump other things. 

But there is the rub of it. Priorities. Some needs overpower others. Like the need to go to the bathroom vs the need to eat. Using the restroom will always come first, because you can't do the latter comfortably without doing the former. 

Does this mean Mistress is a lower priority need?  Her sweet doesn't think so. Some things have to be dealt with first, but that doesn't mean the others aren't a constant in your mind. Knowing that Mistress is right there at all times, that i answer to her at all times, that She allows other needs to take place first with the understanding that She still maintains control. Knowing that She understands that without taking care of a few needs first, Her sweet cannot truly enjoy the main need - Her ... All if this leads this lowly slave to understand that, as much as it truly, truly sucks that other needs come "first" sometimes, Mistress is the ultimate need. She is the ultimate necessity. She is the constant in his mind. he now lives to serve Her. 

On my knees

Mistress' sweet has been thinking quite a bit the past few days while working about the act of kneeling before Mistress. It seems like such a simple act. But the reality is in the complexity of it. What goes through Her sweet's mind as Mistress makes the command to kneel. The subservient role to no longer be at eye level with Mistress. Though She always has control, prostrating on bended knees with head down, unable to look at Mistress ... It makes Her sweet's heart race just considering it. 

Knowing Mistress appreciates the small acts of domination, he can imagine the smile inside and out that comes to Her face when She makes requests like this. he can imagine her feet as She walks around Her sweet. What thoughts go through Her mind? How long will She admire Her sweet in this position? 

Mistress' sweet longs for this act of submission. he longs to be Her feet, his rightful place of worship. 

Just a small one

So as Her sweet stood atop a roof all day today, tearing off layers of shingles with his back in sever pain by the end of the day - yes 9-9 ... All he could think about most of the day and truly this moment before he goes fast asleep ... Mistress. Her embrace. Her kiss. Her love.

A hard lesson learned

Yesterday, Mistress' sweet was a greedy cum slut. he asked for permission to masturbate, not trusting in Mistress to tell him when, where and how to do so. The result was a command Her sweet was unable to fully accomplish and disappointment for Mistress. 

The punishment was writing Mistress' name on the bottom of his foot to be reminded of his failure to do as Mistress commanded. 

This was a sad lesson. Mistress' sweet was and still is very upset with himself. Knowing that every time he walks, he stepped on Mistress ... A very difficult punishment to live with. 

The lesson learned? Twofold:

1. Don't ask Mistress to take advantage of what she owns for self pleasure. It belongs to Mistress. She knows when and how it is to be used for he pleasure and the benefit of Her sweet. 

2. Carry out Mistress' commands as ordered. Failure to do so will bring emotional pain for displeasing Mistress. 

Thank you Mistress for teaching Your sweet the lesson. he is humbly sorry he had to learn it. 

TPE

Today, i told Mistress last night that Her sweet was going to explore more of the TPE aspects today with Her. What brought him to this strong desire to fall further under Mistress' protective care?

Two things: his discussion with Mistress yesterday for one. Learning more about Her enjoyment and pleasure She gets from the control. Knowing that aligning myself under her is something i need. Being completely enthralled by Mistress and a heightened desire to serve her. 

Secondly, Her sweet can't get the kiss She gave out of his mind. Knowing in that moment She had claimed him. The effect was powerful. 

During morning meditation on Mistress, Her sweet considered what all it would mean to fall fully under TPE with Mistress. he realized the many obvious things - asking if he can use the restroom when needed, asking if he can eat, asking for permission to leave the house on errands. he knows it will take some adjustment to fully get there, and will no doubt be apologizing to Mistress many times for forgetting to get Mistress' input and instruction. But Her sweet is excited to take this next step with Mistress. 

Butterflies and schoolgirl giggles

As Mistress' sweet sits here, trying to get some work done before meeting Mistress for the first time, he can't help but feel the nervous anticipation fluttering through his stomach. The constant thought of "it's just a few short ticks before i can bask in the physical presence of the Mistress i yearn for".  Will Mistress enjoy Her property today? Will Her eyes sparkle like they do in Her pictures? Will that devious smile of Her's that i know is always lurking below the surface fall upon Her sweet?

Little schoolgirl giggles float up from inside Her sweet out of no place. A goofy smile can't come off his face. Her sweet is nervous, excited, anxious. To be in the physical presence of Mistress. To be inspected and looked over as She sees Her property for the first time. 

Her sweet is ... Hers. 

Masturbation for Mistress

Her sweet cannot stop thinking about the act. Mistress commanded Her cum slut to strip, kneel and stroke Her cock to eventual completion. He was Her dirty whore in that moment. His audible grunts, were for his Mistress. He can't remember a time when something felt so good. Knowing Mistress requested it. Knowing She was right there, over Her little slut's shoulder. Watching with enthusiasm as each stroke brought Her cock closer to a release. She told Her slut to bring Her cock to orgasm. To milk every bit of Her cum out and display it for Her. Her cum slut's knees were weak and shaky. With that final stroke Her cum poured out. Running over fingers, falling to the floor. He felt very dirty. Very relieved. Very much like his Mistress' perfect little slut. He waited on knees with Her cum beginning to dry on fingers, waiting for the command to clean up. He could feel Mistress' beaming approval. Her enjoyment. She turned Her little sweet into Her grunting slut. Though the sexual aspect is a small part, to be owned in that way, to be used for Mistress' enjoyment, to know that was Her cum falling to the floor and Her cock that was being stroked for Her pleasure ... A very beautiful thing. Thank you my Mistress. All of my future orgasms are claimed by You. 

Morning meditation on Mistress

Mistress gave a command to start meditating on her for ten minutes daily in the morning, facing the East, during the weekdays naked, on my knees. 

Yesterday, was the first time, but it was done clothed as instructed. Today was done for the first time naked. A completely different experience than the first. 

I set my timer, knowing Mistress is very particular about exact amounts of things She asks for. I turned off my ringer on my phone. I shut the door to the room. I turned off the lights. I stripped. I prostrated myself to Mistress. It was religious and filled with small details that will no doubt become routine. A habit. 

As I sat there bowed to the ground, thinking about my Beautiful Mistress, I swear I could feel Her there. I felt Her hand on my head - a reassuring pet. My neck, my shoulders. HER head, neck and shoulders. HER body prostrated and on display. 

I felt Her feet walking around me, stopping in front of me inches from my head. I felt Her hand slowly run the length of my back to my ass. 

In those moments this body that belongs to Mistress began to shake. I wondered if Mistress would smile when She saw that.  Would She get a devilish smirk knowing the effect She was having on me?  Would She reward Her sweet with a punishment or gift?  Would I be able to keep my eyes fixed to Her feet as instructed and not steal a glance at Her beautiful body?

My heart, Mistress' heart, was racing and breathing was heavy. 

As these thoughts poured through my mind, the timer went off. I dutifully stood up, put my clothes back on and went through the rest of my commanded activities. But the thoughts of Mistress still lingered in my head. My owned mind. Property of Mistress. 

Assignment

This morning Mistress tasked her sweet with an assignment. Yesterday, he wasn't as diligent in keeping the schedule Mistress had put together for him. The assignment was simple, write a 100 word essay on the importance of obeying Mistress regarding the schedule. I could not urinate until I had done so. 

I, of course, thought I would be clever and give Mistress more than 100 words. As I was reminded though, this was not what Mistress asked for. 

As I started to whittle down the words, the pressure was building. I was beginning to feel desperate. I knew that there would be further, harsher consequences if I urinated myself. But I also knew that I couldn't hand an essay into Mistress that was less then quality. 

Mistress could have dragged her response out longer, but she did not. I finished up the new draft, sent it to Mistress and she approved. And I was relieved. 

Last night, Mistress mentioned something about two things that her sweet found very intriguing: a piece of jewelry to serve as a constant reminder of her ownership (a collar for all intents and purposes) and a through hole penis plug. I had never heard of the latter. Looking it up online, I find myself both intrigued and nervous about this contraption. But I know Mistress would not do anything to harm her property. So eager anticipation for what Mistress has in mind is replacing the nervousness. 

Thinking about my Beautiful Mistress

Today is my first long golf day of the season. Mistress allowed me to keep my plans and her sweets is very appreciative. As I learn to give up myself to Mistress, I find myself stopping many times to think if I made a decision that was not mine to make. Was there something I missed? 

I have a feeling this will take some getting used to, but I'm really looking forward to the time when it becomes second nature to go to my Mistress for my decision. She's been kind and gracious so far with her allowance of things I have asked for. But it has only been less then a day. I'm certain there will come times when she will say no. Most times out of care and concern for her sweets. Sometimes out of control and making sure I understand and fully appreciate the dominance she holds over me. I secretly look forward to her saying no as I secretly look forward to her punishment - deserved or not. 

Thank you my Beautiful Mistress. 

Exciting day

Today, Mistress presented her pet with a final contract. I signed the contract very willingly and Mistress was gracious enough to provide her pet with a daily schedule of activities and expectations. I am very excited and nervous about this opportunity to serve such a beautiful and caring Mistress as Mistress Manda. She has been so kind and generous thus far and I am looking forward to pleasing her in every way she commands and hopefully putting a smile in her face through my service.