Ok ... The kink ...

So i will spend a little time on the kink aspect of my relationship with Mistress today. Though we've discussed it a bit already over a long evening of sexy texting (which is still ingrained in my head btw). 

While most of my thoughts about Mistress lately have been this consuming ... Love. To please Her. Fully. There have, of course, been moments of thoughts on Her kinkier side. How that would feel. What it would look like. Though i have had glimpses, I am very desirous of seeing it in action. Experiencing it. Her. 

i fantasize in those moments about Her with an artificial cock dangling from Her legs (though i will say that i am very, very tight down there these days and am not quite sure how much i could take). But the idea of it, being used that way by Mistress. In complete control. There is something so deliciously .... Kinky about it. 

Or being ridden, my face, smothered by Her delicious pussy as She uses my mouth and chin and nose and face to get off. In abandon. 

Or, and thank You Mistress for this one, forced bisexuality to please Mistress. As She watches. Directs. Coos. Plays with Herself. Knowing that the two submissive men performing all sorts of acts on one another is making Mistress very wet. And very pleased. Her own live gay porn. 

And sooo many other things, many of which i have not even imagined yet. Ugh ... 

i am just so honored and happy to know that i have my Beautiful Mistress and so much time ahead with Her to explore all these things and more as our relationship  deepens and develops. 

Is it fate or numbers?

So i spent a good portion of today thinking about this. How do two compatible personalities find each other?  Now let me say from the get go, i have a very hard time believing in the concept of fate.  So here is my scientific take ...

I have reached out to a number of dominant women over the years. Some bothered to get back in touch, most did not. Maybe it was just a numbers game, statistically, I would find Her given enough time. 

But here is the odd thing to throw in the mix ... i didn't really know what i was looking for when contacting Mistress Manda.  She was attractive, attached and seemed to enjoy some of the same kinks that i did. Good start. But as i learned more about Her, as She helped me to understand my real needs, it became clear that i wasnt looking for what i thought i was. It was so much more. And this Beautiful Goddess responded back to me. And took the time to get to know me. And seems the absolute perfect fit for me. 

Maybe it was numbers ... Maybe. Maybe it was something more. Should i bother questioning it though? i guess at the end of the day, no. She is here and that is all that matters. 

The aha moment

So it occurred to me today, with a comment Mistress made, how very different this relationship is from what i originally set out looking for and how different from anything i had experienced in the past in the D/s world. Before i go on, i must say, the different is so much better. 

When showing Mistress a picture of my new adornment for Her penis, i asked if it pleased Her. Proud of this kinky act and piece of jewelry buried in my most sensitive of places. Mistress responded, you please Me My sweet. There was an odd aha moment there ... i wanted that, needed that response. Was i indulging in a kinky act? Yes. Do i look forward to more with my Mistress? Absolutely. But it wasn't the act that made it pleasurable. It was the fact that i was pleasing Mistress. Yes i am used to and desire the act of pleasing. But this time, with Mistress Manda is so very different. Why?  Because i truly love Her. Adore Her.  Would do anything for Her nod of approval, kinky or not. 

That was the aha moment. The other D/s relationships were primarily about the kink. The control and the domination. But when i find myself desiring to curl up and watch movies with Mistress, to be in a Her presence and hear Her laugh and see Her eyes glimmer ... Well ... It surely is something more. 

i LOVE my Mistress. The kink, if/when/as it comes ... Is somehow just a tangent to the bigger picture. Thank you Mistress for showing me so much more in such a short period of time knowing You. You have my heart, which is hard to get. 

Mistress the movie whore

So this may seem a weird post, but let's see where it goes. Mistress has referred to herself as a movie whore a few times. And that Mistress is a bit if a geek ... Swoon. If only She were around when i was a teen. i say this knowing there were probably girls somewhat similar to Mistress when i was younger (though most assuredly not as magnificent) but i was too blind/shy to see. i digress. 

Movie whore: throughout my life, movies have been an escape. 7 brides for 7 brothers. Showboat. Clash of the titans. Et. Star Wars. Star Trek. They just kept rolling forward through the years as VHS became mainstream and they could be recorded with free movie weeks through Cinemax or hbo (we didn't have a ton of money growing up). And then renting my first movie through the library system ... Eraserhead by David Lynch. And watching it over and over by myself because everyone in my family hated it (if Mistress hasn't seen it, i highly recommend, even though it is a little hard to watch and appreciate).

And woody Allen came along. And i was in love. And i dove deep. What inspired him? Why? What was an homage? And Truffaut and Fellini and Bergman. Omg. 

And time moves forward and my first Paul Thomas Anderson film - magnolia. Which i cried at for the beauty. And skipped forward and back to gobble up everything that happened and was filmed and met Coppola, Kubrick(my god Kubrick), Scorsese, Sergio leone, Polanski ... And the list of greats goes on and includes so many current directors and writers that move me and make me feel and capture me. Hold me. Make me live in a world not mine for an hour or so. 

If Mistress hasn't noticed, i have an affinity for writer/directors. The movies ring clearer to me. Are more sound. 

i love being lost. i love being moved. i love good film. 

Now that's not to say that i don't appreciate dumb blockbusters and light fare. i do. But film, not movies, film ... 

When Mistress says She is a movie whore, i say, purr .... Put me on the street and trick me out. 

The penis plug ... Of course :)

So of course this deserves a post today. Absolute truth: i was terrified. When i  met Mistress for our "session", the relief that coursed through my veins was palpable that She didn't ask me to pull it out. Part of me was hoping She had forgotten.  Not for any other reason than a "holy f*ck, that is going on there" ...

And knowing She was requiring it be done today ... i feigned excitement ... But i was truly not looking forward to it. Though of course i would do anything for Mistress. 

Trying to be cool for Mistress, i just dove right in. Here are the instructions, yes Mistress. Ton of lube, yes Mistress. Verbalize what you are feeling, of course Mistress. Scared as hell the whole time. Would i push it in wrong? Too hard? Would i have some crazy thing inside me the no one else has and cut myself open bleeding profusely for weeks - all these crazy, crazy thoughts. 

To my surprise as it slid slowly inside me, I thought, really, this easy. Even as it hit more difficult spots, I thought, but still - pretty easy. But my god, when it was three quarters in i was freaking inside. There was a moment when i almost begged Mistress to stop and try another time. But You were so kind and patient. i couldn't let you down or meet your patience with crying and running away like a toddler. 

When it finally slid into place i was so happy and proud that i did it. But more pleased that i was able to follow Mistress' instructions successfully. 

Seeing Her face as i stroked myself under Her command ... i will never forget that look. It was amazing. i so wish i could have cum for her. 

Though even as i write this now, there is some moderate soreness, i am looking forward to putting it in again tomorrow for You. Because i know it pleases You. And i so love pleasing You my Mistress. Muah. 

Panties

So i did want to come back to the oddly exhilarating request of Mistress to wear my wife's panties the other day. Never before had i even considered doing something like that. Nor contemplated that it might actually be a turn on. 

Something so very dirty about it. It makes me wonder what other things are out there that i wouldn't have thought would be enjoyable. 

The fact that it was done for Mistress and that She maybe got some enjoyment out of it, makes it even more enjoyable for me. What other dirty things turn on Mistress, i wonder.  What will She ask me to do, request?  What will i gladly do for Her, even if trepidatiously?

Oh Mistress ... Please expand my mind and body to the limits. 

Mistress the hospital and nerves

Though this wasn't going to be the original focus of today's blog (i was going to talk about panties ...:), it felt more appropriate. 

Your sweet hates hospitals as well. The smell, the air. There is something about it, the sterility of it, that reminds me of death. It is a haunting smell. 

Mistress having to stay overnight, though surely it is something that the doctors will get under control, doesn't sit well with me. i don't like the idea of Mistress lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed in an uncomfortable article of clothing (how they have not made any advancements in the area of hospital gowns these many years i just don't know). 

There is an element of the unknown, always, with hospitals.

i avoid hospitals and doctors. Always have. 

So yes, even though Mistress promises that everything will be fine and i am sure it will, it makes the pit of my stomach queasy, unsettled, restless. 

I do hope Mistress gets some well needed rest, a clean bill of health in the morning and sent on Her way back home. To enjoy Her long weekend with family, to be away from the smell of the hospital, to be home. 

What makes me happy

Though this is sadly late (and thank you for Your patience Mistress these past few days) i did want to reply to Mistress' blog about what makes me happy. 

So yes a few dumb things, most having to do with the sense of smell :) the smell of spring, always makes me smile. my cats fur as they cuddle up and taking a big, deep breath in. Completing a project, especially a long fought and hard one that took a lot to get to the end. The sense of satisfaction. 

The smell of my mother's pasta sauce that's been cooking for three days and there is nothing like it. A beer on a hot day. A drunken cigarette when chased by a sip of wine.

Words. Words that dance and spin and stand up and make you notice them. 

The perfect song for the perfect moment or memory. That takes you someplace or becomes a theme.

A golf ball popping off a club in a perfect swing with a Ping. 

The rumble of a motorcycle underneath and the wind in the face while traveling a country road. 

A dumb joke.

A well earned chortle. 

Mistress' smile. 

Her twinkle. 

Her eyes. 

The sound She makes when orgasm comes ... Which is a new favorite thing. And the look on Her face. 

Those are just a few. i am sure i missed many. But thank you for allowing me to reflect on that Mistress. It made me smile :)

Today

Still trying to fully comprehend and assimilate today. It was nothing like what i thought it would be and so much more. The passion Mistress had. The kisses. The embraces. The cuddling. I was so very nervous when Mistress arrived. Trembling even. But the nervousness quickly faded. Melted away in Mistress' arms. 

Laughing and chatting in between ... Very unexpected. It felt like a lazy Sunday afternoon more then a session. Which wasn't bad. Not at all. 

And Mistress' taste. Her scent. Her wetness. Oh god. Heaven. Truly. Amazing. 

The only bad thing about today is that it went by too fast. That there wasn't more time. 

Thank you Mistress. For a truly amazing day. For allowing me to share it with You. For picking me. 

Earliest sexual memories

When i was a young boy, my first introduction to anything sexual was national geographic magazine. i remember the images vividly. African women, sagging breasts, large hoop earrings, simple but ornate rings all the way up their necks. And my father saying - it's just national geographic, to my mother. 

When I was 10, the first real "wow, now that's a woman and that means something" moment was seeing a picture of Sophia Loren - whom I still have the hots for even at her prime older age - in a bathing suit. Learning, years later, that she bore a striking resemblance to my mother as a young woman ... But i digress. 

Seeing her, in voluptuous, real woman beauty ... I realized how amazing the female body was. The first time cum came out of my young manhood was while staring at a picture of Sophia. i thought i had broken myself - ha. 

my fantasies shortly thereafter became very defined ... And will probably come as little surprise to Mistress ... Even at a very young age, I always knew ... Sexually, i was submissive. my fantasies were wrapped around being taken, kidnapped even, by a dominant, older woman or women. Being locked away. Kept. Held. Owned. For their pleasure. Used as they saw fit. 

While I no doubt fantasized about other things, these were the fantasies that stuck in my young head. 

Now, 30 some years later, though having experienced the pleasure of submission, i feel like, for the first time, i am truly experiencing it for the first time. Being owned. Belonging to. And it is much more then pre-pubescent fantasized thoughts. It is real. And powerful. And fulfilling. 

Thank you Mistress. For making my fantasy better in reality. 

Oh just imagining

Thinking about Mistress in Her headphones and hands wrapped around a controller, trash talking Her opponents as She throttles bodies while playing Call of Duty. Imagining Her eyes get wild and dilated. The sweat beading on Her brow. One by one mowing down Her virtual enemies. 

Picturing Mistress at a video store picking out Her favorite movies. Does She linger?  Does She go right to Her choice?  Does She inquire of the employees for suggestions?  Does She smile when something catches Her attention?

Considering Mistress while She watches sports. Totally seeing Her get into Her favorite team. Shouting at the tv.  Jumping from the chair when something great happens. Whoop whooping and hollering with high fives and little dances. (At least this is how i see Her). 

So much to imagine and picture about Mistress in little moments like these. So much time to get to know and learn. All about these and more. So happy to belong to Her. 

Short one

such a long day on the road today.  Tons of work when i got home. But Mistress is still a constant in thought and heart. Kubrick and Tarantino. Mistress never ceases to amaze Her sweet.  She continues to blossom unceasingly. Like a never ending bloom in the eyes of Her sweet. 

Discipline, instruction and reminders

Today, Mistress reminded Her sweet of something regarding discipline, instruction and reminders. 

The Greek word used for discipline in the Bible is one that means training, education, instruction. It differs from most people's understanding of the word in that the emphasis is far from punishment, rather instruction and guidance. 

Mistress have Her darlings and Her sweet a gentle but stern reminder today. The purpose of the reminder: guidance and training. Education. Discipline. Her blog went further into Her thoughts on the matter of discipline and punishment and their differences. 

Mistress is truly guiding Her darlings, Her sweet. She wants to help them to grow with Her direction. When She asks for certain things, the purpose is not to please Herself (well, not completely) but rather to educate and train Her slave(s).  

That distinction was known prior, but something dialed in a little more clearly today with Her sweet. 

Thank you Mistress for Your discipline.  Your sweet appreciates it greatly.  

Collar arrived

Today, a little package arrived in the mail. i honestly didn't know what it was. But as i tore it open and saw a small canvas pouch bag, the thought came - could it be?  Is it?  And sure enough as i opened the pouch, a teal, leather strap unveiled itself. And as i pulled, my heart began to race a bit. It was my collar. 

What a beautiful piece of jewelry Mistress picked out for Her sweet. Long leather straps that wind around the wrist. Bound together. So appropriate. The color is perfect as well. A decadent teal green. And a simple stainless steel symbol of my relationship with Mistress - the infinity symbol. 

Wrapping the collar around my wrist was an amazing moment. Though Mistress was "there", the only thing better would have been if She would have placed it on my wrist for me. But nonetheless ... When wrapped, it felt right. Set. 

Though i've worn collars in the past as part of sessions, this is my first collar ... First symbol of my submission and love. i couldn't imagine a better Mistress to share this path with. Thank you Mistress. For everything. 

Sunny days and spring

So this is just a little different entry today. While working on the lawn, i was reminded how much i enjoy spring. The warmer weather does good for the soul - everyone's, not just mine. It's like a rebirth from sweaters and turtlenecks and thermal underwear into tshirts and shorts. 

And spring feels like possibility. It always has. That more can happen. That something awaits.  To be discovered. 

It's a smell. In the air. Like sensory memory. Cut grass. Tree buds opening. Sun on skin. 

It's a feel. Like the old touch of your favorite shirt. Wind on skin. Hands over grass. Hot steering wheel. 

It's life. 

Your sweet loves spring Mistress. And sharing it for the first time with You. 

Mistress' touch

Today i saved my blog for after the planned session with Mistress. Though "life happened", this afternoon was still a very pleasurable one. Why? 

Mistress' eyes, Her touch, Her presence. 

Just two short hours - not enough time for a session, but plenty enough time to be lost in Her laugh, Her smile, Her eyes. To feel Her hand on my leg and grazing my fingers. To listen to Her talk and, with attentive ears, learn more about Her. To be drawn deeper into my Mistress. Be folded up inside of Her. Like a tiny caterpillar in its chrysalis. Like home until birth. 

Leaving Mistress was so difficult. But the time with Her was priceless. Unforgettable. 

Feeling Her against me ... Ugh ... No words for that. Pasting my eyes shut as She kissed me (which is not normal by the way - usually my eyes are open - a way to gauge and keep control of the moment). Knowing She was directing the moment. i was there for Her. 

An amazing afternoon indeed. Not what was planned - that will come. But in any ways, much better. 

Thank you my Mistress. 

Pins and needles

The first session with Mistress is tomorrow. And though we've met once and chatted tons,  Her sweet would be lying if he didn't admit to a bit of nervousness. Not nervousness in regards to what Mistress will do, will be like in those moments where there is privacy and She can assert Her dominance fully in person (well maybe a titch), but will Her sweet be fully pleasing, will Mistress enjoy Her gift in this setting. 

Anticipation, arousal, knowing what it feels like in person to be at Her feet. What She has swimming around that exquisite mind of Hers ...

This slave tries to put it out of his head, but the thought just creeps back on and lingers. he finds himself stopping what he's doing at times, unknowingly, until he snaps out of his daydreams and ponderings in Mistress. 

Until tomorrow my Goddess. 

submissive vs slave - Her sweet' take

Though I never would have thought of myself identifying as a slave, Mistress' post the other day helped guide Her sweet to the correct identification - under Mistress that is. i have always thought of myself as a submissive in this lifestyle. Rules to follow, someone to obey ... But it always more or less ended when the session was over. i never thought I would want or need anything more than that. Then Mistress Manda, the Goddess. 

Under Her short guidance so far, She has helped me to understand the true value of serving someone like Her as a slave. Anything less with Her seems like it would be fairly inadequate and unfulfilling. By giving up myself to Her as Her rightful property, Her sweet has found a level of, excitement yes (i would be lying if i didn't admit that), but more importantly a level of freedom and satisfaction like i've never known in this world. And it's only just beginning. 

i have so much to learn, so much guidance to be given, so much love to get and be given to my Mistress. There are times i have to pinch myself to make sure that it is real. But it is. And more then I could have imagined or known. 

Thank you my Goddess, my Mistress. For Your direction, encouragement and guidance. i have so much to learn from You. 

Life happens

Mistress uses this phrase a bit and Her sweet was considering it this morning during meditation - life happens. It is true, life does happen. Knowing there will be times Her sweet can't be in touch with Mistress as much as he'd like and the fact that a domino of "life" for the past few days has hampered that, doesn't make it any easier. 

Why does life get in the way of things you need?  It seems on face value to be an oxymoron. Isn't life necessities and not really wants?  Shouldn't necessities always trump other things. 

But there is the rub of it. Priorities. Some needs overpower others. Like the need to go to the bathroom vs the need to eat. Using the restroom will always come first, because you can't do the latter comfortably without doing the former. 

Does this mean Mistress is a lower priority need?  Her sweet doesn't think so. Some things have to be dealt with first, but that doesn't mean the others aren't a constant in your mind. Knowing that Mistress is right there at all times, that i answer to her at all times, that She allows other needs to take place first with the understanding that She still maintains control. Knowing that She understands that without taking care of a few needs first, Her sweet cannot truly enjoy the main need - Her ... All if this leads this lowly slave to understand that, as much as it truly, truly sucks that other needs come "first" sometimes, Mistress is the ultimate need. She is the ultimate necessity. She is the constant in his mind. he now lives to serve Her. 

On my knees

Mistress' sweet has been thinking quite a bit the past few days while working about the act of kneeling before Mistress. It seems like such a simple act. But the reality is in the complexity of it. What goes through Her sweet's mind as Mistress makes the command to kneel. The subservient role to no longer be at eye level with Mistress. Though She always has control, prostrating on bended knees with head down, unable to look at Mistress ... It makes Her sweet's heart race just considering it. 

Knowing Mistress appreciates the small acts of domination, he can imagine the smile inside and out that comes to Her face when She makes requests like this. he can imagine her feet as She walks around Her sweet. What thoughts go through Her mind? How long will She admire Her sweet in this position? 

Mistress' sweet longs for this act of submission. he longs to be Her feet, his rightful place of worship. 

Just a small one

So as Her sweet stood atop a roof all day today, tearing off layers of shingles with his back in sever pain by the end of the day - yes 9-9 ... All he could think about most of the day and truly this moment before he goes fast asleep ... Mistress. Her embrace. Her kiss. Her love.

A hard lesson learned

Yesterday, Mistress' sweet was a greedy cum slut. he asked for permission to masturbate, not trusting in Mistress to tell him when, where and how to do so. The result was a command Her sweet was unable to fully accomplish and disappointment for Mistress. 

The punishment was writing Mistress' name on the bottom of his foot to be reminded of his failure to do as Mistress commanded. 

This was a sad lesson. Mistress' sweet was and still is very upset with himself. Knowing that every time he walks, he stepped on Mistress ... A very difficult punishment to live with. 

The lesson learned? Twofold:

1. Don't ask Mistress to take advantage of what she owns for self pleasure. It belongs to Mistress. She knows when and how it is to be used for he pleasure and the benefit of Her sweet. 

2. Carry out Mistress' commands as ordered. Failure to do so will bring emotional pain for displeasing Mistress. 

Thank you Mistress for teaching Your sweet the lesson. he is humbly sorry he had to learn it. 

TPE

Today, i told Mistress last night that Her sweet was going to explore more of the TPE aspects today with Her. What brought him to this strong desire to fall further under Mistress' protective care?

Two things: his discussion with Mistress yesterday for one. Learning more about Her enjoyment and pleasure She gets from the control. Knowing that aligning myself under her is something i need. Being completely enthralled by Mistress and a heightened desire to serve her. 

Secondly, Her sweet can't get the kiss She gave out of his mind. Knowing in that moment She had claimed him. The effect was powerful. 

During morning meditation on Mistress, Her sweet considered what all it would mean to fall fully under TPE with Mistress. he realized the many obvious things - asking if he can use the restroom when needed, asking if he can eat, asking for permission to leave the house on errands. he knows it will take some adjustment to fully get there, and will no doubt be apologizing to Mistress many times for forgetting to get Mistress' input and instruction. But Her sweet is excited to take this next step with Mistress.