What i meant ...

So i did think quite a bit about Your comments this morning to me regarding obsession. Though i was a bit out of it to explain myself earlier, i do have the proper response now :)

So You, my Mistress, i wouldn't define as an obsession. At any point. One of the synonyms of obsession is infatuation, which is typically something that burns bright for a minute and them fades. Infatuations are snapshots of time. 

So to liken You to am obsession, would be to degrade my feelings for You or what You are. 

Putting Mistress in par with an obsession would mean She is something that is only based on a heightened few moments of intense emotion, that She will fade from my thoughts all too quickly. 

So no, Mistress. You are not my obsession. You are so much more. 

Working out

So i become quite obsessive about a few things. Working out is one of them. It's either an all of nothing thing with me. i do it, and do it completely, or i do not. i am not sure why. Not everything in life is this way with me. i can tell You that i start with a very specific process. This is how it goes:

1.  Mental imagery: i want to know what i am going for. Is it Jason statham's back? Christian Bale's arms? Ryan Reynold's v? i may not get there. That isn't the point.  The point is something to strive for. 

2.  Routine research: now i have been lifting for awhile. Understand the principles pretty well. But again, not the point. The point is to hype myself into the process. Get my head bought into the punishment i will bring my body. Also, it helps to get the routine plugged into my lifting app for tracking purposes. 

3. Supplement restock: a visit to gnc after doing inventory. Simple reason. Just to stock up and be ready. 

4. Doing it: i may need to start out slow and that is fine. Don't need to injure myself. But in a few weeks, when the veins are pumping and the muscles are growing a bit - muscle memory is a great thing - they tend to grow quickly at first - it becomes a great feeling. 

It's good to have an obsession once in awhile :)

Homosexuality

Though i know for a complete fact that i am straight as an arrow, very comfortable with my sexuality and all of that, the admission that certain homoerotic and completely homosexual images do stimulate me a little bit is, well, a reality. 

A picture of an attractive man, kneeling in front of another, cock in his mouth, happily enjoying it, hand on the back of his head ... Yes ... i can see myself in that position. Mistress' eyes looking on as she directs the scene. Her legs spread slightly as She enjoys the scene. Looking over and catching Her eyes as my head slides up and down a very hard cock. 

Imagining Her circling around ... Playful slaps and pushes - "take it all" and pushing my head deeper around the cock until i gag. And She laughs. 

Making the other man get on his hands and knees and telling me to fuck him ... Watching Her eyes light up as my cock slowly slides in his ass. She stands on front of him and pushes his head down so She can just watch me ... Taking a man for the first time. She tells me to stroke his cock as I fuck. Make him hard. Slap his ass. 

So i am very comfortable with my sexuality ... But knowing this turns on Mistress ... Makes me want it. 

OCD and me

So here is my response to OCD and how i may have a touch of it myself. 

Obsession: the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire; a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces it's way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness. 

Compulsion: a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will. 

In addition to the things mentioned in reply to Mistress' blog, i do have a tendency towards this kind of behavior. It presents itself in small ways for the most part.  But it always presents itself with a knowledge that there is no in between. It is either done or it isn't. (Is there such a thing as controllable OCD - because that would be closer to the truth). Here is an example:

When i decide to get in shape, lose weight, gain muscle ... i do it. It becomes a single minded determination. My life begins to revolve around it to a certain extent. In between does not work for me. It gets me noplace. 

When it becomes an obsession, it works. 

Now, and here is where i am sure i am not clinically an OCD individual ... If i put it down, it is down. No need to think about it, desire it, worry about it. In fact, in some cases, i prefer to go the opposite direction in full stride. Why? Actually ... Not a clue. Variance? Variety? Dunno. 

i pursue wholely. i do fully. i explore completely. With an obsessive pursuit. 

So is this OCD?  Not sure. Maybe a version. Would i change it? Not at all. 

Yesterday

How can i sum it up appropriately?  Not a single word would do it justice. Not a line of them strong together. i will try my best, knowing it will fall well short. 

When i came out if the hotel with the room key and saw You in Your van, my heart completely skipped a beat. Knowing You were there and so close to being with You. 

Waiting in the room for You to come up was torture. It felt like hours though only a few minutes. You may have noticed my odd nervousness in the first kiss. No idea where that came from. Why? After being with You already. Why this time was i nervous again. 

Regained composure and Mistress, You took control as You always do. The feel of Your hands on my shoulders and back. Slowly and lovingly caressing my spine. Your body so close to mine. 

Then ... Strip You instructed. And sit on the chair. Watching You slowly cut the strips of material. Deciding which to use. Continually pushing my hands in place as they naturally rose up to caress You. Tying me down. 

Not tight enough that i couldn't move. But that was so much better. Because it required my total submission. Breaking free could be down easily. To not, it would require willing myself over. Which i did. And even though i could see through the flimsy blindfold, i gave myself over on another way. i decided to keep my eyes closed shut tight. To be Yours. And feel every sensation. Which was, in an inadequate word, amazing. Wondering what you were tracing my body with - lipstick? A roller? Your teasing my every inch. Little licks and nibbles here and there. Waiting to feel Your breath so i could push forward and get a taste of Your lips. The feel of the lubricant on my hard cock as You let it drizzle down me. The familiar sound of latex gloves being snapped on. Wondering in a panicked moment if it would hurt when You slid Your finger in me. Relaxing into it. Knowing if i relaxed too much, it would make it harder not to cum. 

Then to the bed. Teasing me more. Hoping for the feel of Your wetness and You wrapped around me. 

When You entered me the second time, it was even better then the first. i so wish i could have contained myself for longer. The orgasm, heightened by Your instruction not to cum, knowing You were right over top of me, enjoying Your teasing and it's effect on me ... That orgasm was the best i have ever had. Truly. As evidenced by my very hard ejaculation. 

Then Your taste. As You positioned Yourself over top of me. Straddled my face. Moments of breathlessness as i was lost in Your womanhood. The feel of Your body shuddering in orgasm. Wanting more. 

The moments of enjoying time with You in my arms, chatting and laughing, in betweeen You sliding on top of me and feeling Your wetness and Your body and the shudders of orgasms ... Heavenly. Divine. Moments of bliss. 

And yes, the spooning. :) there were moments i could have fallen asleep with You in my arms. Would that i could and maybe someday ...

How do i sum up such an amazing afternoon?  i can't. i don't want to. i would rather hold on to the memory and the beauty of it all. Something to daydream about and drift asleep to. Something to wake up to and cherish. 

Thank You my Goddess. For such a beautiful day. Thank You my Love. 

Sleep tonight

Will be amazing. Drifting off to sleep with thoughts of a few amazing hours with my Mistress. Though i haven't had time to truly reflect on it ... i plan to as i lay my head down. Recalling each moment from the excitement of seeing her in the parking lot, to the final kisses goodbye. 

i know this is short tonight, but today was ... Beyond amazing. The best yet time with You. 

Tomorrow morning, after meditation, i want to share with You through blog my total thoughts after processing it all tonight. 

i love You my Mistress. 

True villiany

This has been something that has been an interest of mine for many years. Hollywood has taken it in and explorer it to certain extents over the years, but in the desire to make characters and stories that sell and have a mass audience appeal, the bad guy always ends up with a "reason". Something that grounds him and makes him real or relatable. That is, if the villian is the main character.  If not, they usually camp him out. Make him larger then life and cartoonish and sometimes garish. 

The man with no name. That's a pretty good example of the relatable bad guy main character. Clint was not a good guy in that movie. He was selfish. Didn't care about other people. Only concern was where the next score would come from. And yet ... His moralistic impulses overtook him. He couldn't just leave the townspeople ... Even as he tried to figure out to make things work in his favor. Which he did as well. 

And then there is Francis on house of cards. The exact opposite. There is no moral center to his universe. He honestly does not care for anything or anyone but himself. There are moments that make you feel that he does have a gooey moral center, but the reality is quickly revealed. It doesn't exist. 

Where does the reality fall?  I think more times then not on the side of Francis. Bad guys are bad guys. For a reason.   They don't have a gooey moral center waiting to come out. They may have a wife and a family and they "love" others. But ultimately. What they do is for their own benefit. Decisions that make, if they benefit others, is only happy coincidence. Because it benefitted them first. 

The portrayal i like the best?  While enjoying both (the flawed hero always an interesting character) i relish in the reality. Why?  Because it is painful. Hard to watch. Draws you in. Because it is real.