Down in it

i don't know why but this is going to be my subject material tonight.  In 91, a friend, who turned out to be gay and avoided me like the plague (still to this day and a very good friend), introduced me to nine inch nails after going to a depeche mode concert my parents didn't allow me to go to. They opened up. As did nitzerebb - another day. 

And pretty hate machine became a staple to my burgeoning youthful angst. And down in it became an anthem of my 15 year old revolt.

This song had been pulsing through my head the past week and i don't know why. The lyrics rolling through like a mantra.

Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky and I was feeling this feeling you wouldn't believe sometimes I don't believe it myself and I decided I was never coming down 

And I remember this dumb story that hit the news about how a guy found this video camera in his yard in the country. He popped the video in his VCR (yep, those) and called the police because he was so freaked out by what he saw. 

Just then a tiny little for caught my eye it was just about too small to see and I decided I was never coming down. 

It was footage from the video Reznor was shooting for his song.  It was a camera attached to a balloon filming some disturbing scenes of a person running, being chased. Black and white. Desperate. 

I was up above it. 

The camera got away. 

Now I'm down in it.

And i was getting my introduction to David Lynch at the time. And film. And the power to move a person. 

I was up above it.

And my soon to be gay friend was introducing me to music i never heard before. And we were vying for the same girl and friends with another. 

Now I'm down in it.  Shut up.  

So what what does it matter now I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground and everything I never liked about you is kind of seeping into me. I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out. I guess the jokes on me. 

There was a surety of myself for many years. A black and white idealistic view of the world. That i held on to. That defined me. That made me whole. i struggle against that feeling to this day.

I used to be so big and strong.

I used to know my right from wrong.

I used to never be afraid.

I used to be somebody.

I used to have something inside.

Now just this hole it's open wide.

I used to want it all.

I used to be somebody.

I'll cross my heart and hope to die.

But the needle's already in my eye.

And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why.

And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory.

I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

Do You ever feel on the edge Mistress?  The edge of just pissing on everything. Saying goodbye to everything and everyone. Starting over.

Would a new hole be created? Would it be built on solid ground? Would it even matter. 

Rain rain go away

Come again some other day. 

i don't know the answer. i do know that song has been haunting me.